Ok so i am supposed* to be studying for a test that’s supposed* to open doors for me. I am- Supposed* to be concentrated. Supposed* to be reading. Supposed* to be drinking information as it were my only salvation! Well, if you guessed the reason I am blogging here about this theme in particular (which I really do not enjoy talking about) its basically because I’ve been able to do none of the above.
As pressure rises, the will to thrive seems to diminish. As the due date creeps closer, the easier I get distracted. I wish I were able to blame social media for my low attention span which partly I can cause it just seems to worsen my Attention Deficit Disorder. The truth is, I could blame anything and everything just about now. But to be honest, the only person to blame is myself. I know I have SOMEthing to do but its like I am programed to the exact opposite. An angel/devil situation. You know, one on each shoulder (I think the red one is the one that wins mostly in my case, unfortunately). Its a defense mechanism and I’m not a better person for it, surely.
SO, How do you get past your wiring? Past the Psyche inside your head trying to protect you from failing. I’ll explain the mechanism: It’s a contest me versus myself. Bet you’ve heard, you are your own worst enemy, well this is exactly the case. I push away the expectation, push away on working hard, push away anything that can make the final outcome look GREAT. So in that case when the time comes be it Succeed or Fail, Negative or Positive it will hurt less or be much greater than if I gave it my all. That way in the end you have a Justification, which is the defense mechanism at stake. Its a means of protecting your ego. My ego. A cushion to the fall of the perfectionist inside me. Do you know the scenario? Well you’re not alone! Trust me, I don’t do this on purpose. Don’t know how to solve it yet either, in a way other than to force yourself and think positively to your goals.
But when you have a life to live, as we all do, you have to rise above whatever is entangling you, right? Dive into whatever you have to do, cause lets face it, time moves on careless of what you are going through. I’ve learned that the hard way. I’ve also learned the only one that can make things happen for yourself, is yourself, obviously.
So what am I doing here? Blogging to thin air, basically whining about my current life’s dealings. Well the obvious being I haven’t learned my lesson. One thing for sure though, I’m not giving up just yet. But writing about it seems to help at least! Even if, the utmost expectation of having someone “stumble-upon” my blog, is my only reader (1) lol (heyy!). But hey! You can secretly wish, “so much”! Right?
Life’s about falling and picking yourself up. Learning your lessons, applying them. Acknowledging your weak points and tweaking them to make yourself stronger. I wish I knew how, where, when, why or even what my future beholds. Hmmm. I can’t help but wonder? I’m not going to even edit this because its a blur that I am feeling right now. But ughh! It doesn’t get any easier, does it?
Well, thanks for reading me. check it!